The Wretched of Men

They said there was a God out there. That I could call unto him and he would answer my prayer. They said he was faithful, he would never leave me nor forsake me, he would be there when I needed him the most and even when I did not feel I needed him. But you are not there are you Lord?

You said in your word if I prayed with all my heart in righteousness and faith you would hear and come to my aid. So I prayed one way and then another and you are still nowhere to be seen. I have prayed with all my heart, and prayed with all my soul then prayed with all my spirit. But my prayers fall on deaf ears, the one who calls himself my God shows his back to me and not his face.

They said men do not cry, it is improper for men to shed tears. How many times have I been reduced to tears both visible and invisible in your sight Jehovah? Yet I see no change. It’s been five years and you have changed nothing in one area and for the rest no progress is seen.

What then is the point of living a righteous life of prayer and obedience to your ways if you will not even show me the courtesy of answering a single one of my different prayers. I have exhausted my faith and my soul is worn out and still you are stubborn, you remain unmoved. I have prayed for the forgiveness of the unknown sins as well as the sins I have knowingly committed but it seems it still just goes into one ear and out the other when I pray for your assistance.

They say pray without ceasing but why should I keep praying for years and years when I see no change? Why don’t you just destroy me while you are at it? Why keep me alive to see you give the same blessings I ask you for to my friends and family over and over again but not to me? Do you take pleasure in seeing me in pain? Are you happy and satisfied when I come crying to you day after day? Does my pain and anguish fuel your power and make your days pleasant? Do you keep me alive just so you can torture me and see me suffer?

With every day I live I see you pour scorn on my face. You rub it in more and more each day allowing me to sniff the blessings of those around me but never to hold one of my own in my hands. I have asked you to show me my sin and the error of my ways but even that you will not answer me. Surely I am the most wretched of men, born to see nothing but a life of suffering and torment in body and soul. After you have done all these things are you then pleased? And then when I have passed away you say you will burn me in hell too for my sin?

Woe to me I am a fool, I trusted in a solid rock that is running away from my feet. Woe to me I am a sinner and he who says he loves such as me seems to have tired of my sin and has left me alone to my folly to rot, wither and die.

Yet I look at all these things and still consider you worthy of my prayers of praise. I am in pain day and night and I still give thanks for my wretched life. I look at you and shout out to all people that your ways are righteous and that you remain perfect. Woe to me, am I naïve? For it has become apparent to me that my hopes and dreams amount to nothing, all you care about is what you want, the plans you have, and you have your way all the time. Woe to me I am a wreck, woe to me I am wretched, woe to me I am a living disaster.

But shall I come to you and point a finger of accusation to you my God? Shall I command you to obey me like I would a small boy? Better yet shall I expect good things from you only and not bad as well? I know not why you do the things you do. I know not why you have allowed me to reach this level of spiritual disgrace and I do not understand you or the way you think or feel.

This is what I know. You have loved me since the day I was born. When I should have died you increased the number of my years. When my life is the wreck that it is you are the only thing that is keeping me going, giving me strength for each day. I see you here and there and I know without a doubt you exist. You have created me with such amazing gifts and skills that I sit down and shake my head for I am not worthy. You may not be visibly answering my prayers right now or you might never answer them. But when I look at all life you are the only thing that makes sense.

The Christian’s life was never meant to be easy so my burdens of unanswered prayer am going to carry. We just keep holding on day after day. And as he gives us life so does he give us strength to bear our pains, trials, temptations and lives of sin. We thank you for the crumbs of blessings you throw our way every once in a while, the days when we are allowed to smile and rejoice. We may not understand our  life or pain but if I let you go then am finished that I know. So hold me lord, keep me close, watch over me and guide my wretched life. Your will be done, you were worthy then, you are worthy now and will always be worthy of my respect, obedience, time, praise and worship. I love you Pa, thanks for the life I have known. And thanks for revealing yourself to me. Still I stand.