People Like Me

If you knew the number of problems that I had and for a day were unlucky enough to see life through my eyes you would agree with me that perhaps it’s best that I die and find peace. I have no peace: my medical report would shock you, romantically I have no love life plus I am stuck in a dead-end job. And that’s only half of it: my heart and soul is tormented, my brain overworked, my spirit snuffed out.

They told me to work hard and I would have a good life so naturally I feel unfairly treated by life. I did nothing to violate my health, I excelled in my studies and when it comes to relationships I tried to love with all my heart. But it seems the fruit of all that I worked hard for is rotten in my hand. The beauty that was meant to be realised from such hard effort is not apparent.

So I complain, I wail, I point fingers and shake my fist at God and very much only fall short of cursing him. Is this how he rewards hard work?, I ask myself. After trying to the best of my abilities over time to live a good life free from evil is this how it is repaid by he who is said to be in charge of giving rewards to the righteous?

It occurred to me yesterday that while I may complain everyday one thing remains constant. I wake up each morning and go about doing this and that, I have life. Why do I have life then if my life sucks so much that I should just wither up and seek solace in death? Am I given life each day so that I might complain and be bitter? There must be a better reason.

So it occurs to me now that perhaps Jehovah gives me life still because he has hope for me, he believes in me and my ability to live even despite all the crazy stuff I am going through emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially. I don’t believe my God wastes time in hoping for useless things. So then there is hope for me yet, there is something I do not see that makes my life valuable, and that I must live for to discover.

So I am changing course as fast as I can. When my soul wants to complain I ask myself ‘is that all you have been given life for, that you might complain and be bitter?’

Men at ease have contempt for misfortune as the fate of those whose feet are slipping (Job 12:5). They say surely you are a sinner and God is punishing you, surely you deserve what you are going through. Little do they know they are accusing me wrongly for even though I have sinned before, I can point to no intentional wickedness or fault in my prior existence. Still who knows what God sees.

Other men don’t know what to say, they provide no comfort even if they speak words supposedly filled with wisdom. Wait for God’s time they say, God knows best they say. Gods time doesn’t come, they only make me want to complain even more.

So I seek a new occupation. I am to be like Job and will say in all righteousness and truth that ‘even though you have crushed me, bruised me, pursued me, destroyed me, broken my heart and turned my life upside down I have done you no wrong Jehovah. I seek that I might say ‘ I may not be a wholly righteous man Jehovah but in all my life search me and see if you will find fault in me, wickedness in me, evil in me for I tried to be blameless in your sight in my own imperfect way.'

In there is my comfort, that I did no one evil, I did not harbour wicked intentions towards my neighbour, friend or foe and was kind to those who needed from me in any sort of way. So do all you can and I will no longer be shaken, tremble the heavens and earth and I will not cower in fear. My conscience is clear before you, I acknowledge my sin and accept my punishment. Do with me as you will.