Fashion, Pretty girls and Old friends in the Church

I admit I go to church for a number of really stupid reasons. Firstly, I go to church to catch up on the latest fashions, what’s hot-what’s not-what works with what. It’s so entertaining seeing all those men and women all dressed up in eye-catching outfits, walking down the aisle in single file to give their offering. Clothes, shoes, amazing hairdo’s, accessories, class and good taste, it’s all there. Hell I’m never going to be invited to the FAME Malawi Fashion Week and you definitely have to pay to see people dressed up at a fashion show so yeah I might as well just see it for free at the church. They are all poised, trying to make a dignified and graceful walk past me, aware of how fine they look. It’s such a beautiful sight, so captivating, except of course those few who make very bad fashion choices and look horrible.

Secondly, I go to church to check out the pretty girls. They are there in church in various ages, colours, sizes We sit there thighs slightly touching, sending shocks of electricity throughout my system. Such beauty, totally fascinating, they make me want to just stand up straight in mid prayer and shout Hallelujah! Oh yes! Hallelujah!

and types. Turn left, there she is, turn right there’s another, look behind me damn she’s fine and up ahead hehehe the Reverend’s wife sure is a good-looking woman, well-endowed in the chest and butt departments. And sometimes I’m lucky enough to sit right next to a very gorgeous chick whose perfume alone makes me feel giddy.

Then of course I go to church to catch up with old friends. There are so many people I have known for so long that I do not get to meet during the week and only meet them at church. It’s nice to know how their lives are turning out, what interesting things they are up to and how much fun they are having. So I sit with one or two in the pew, mumbling in low tones, holding such interesting discussions that sometimes I only realize when people are standing up that the sermon is over. And it’s one of the best ways to catch up on the latest gossip, what’s going on with who, who’s sleeping with who and the other scandals that I missed hearing about during the week.

It would not be complete if I forgot to mention that one of the reasons I bother attending church at all is to meet new people. The church is just bursting with new contacts that no doubt can always improve your social status; lawyers, doctors, engineers, politicians, journalists, musicians and even, if you know who they are, the best people in the thieving business. Not to mention going to church is one of the best ways to meet girls. A short introduction from a friend can get me four phone numbers on a slow day and seven on a really good one. The quality of these girls I tell you is well worth bearing the dull 2-hour service, being forced to sing those church songs when I don’t want to is a small price to pay really.

 

Sometimes, when I am bored, I go to church to poke fun at the clergy. There they sit, pretending to know what they are doing and looking all authoritative as they one after another stand in front of us and say something stupid in meaningless rituals. Then there are times when one of the elders is wearing a particularly hilarious outfit. Let’s not forget the way each day I go to church someone just simply always  manages to ask for money from the congregation for something or other. It’s so funny, and it just shows how much of swindlers they are, I thought they said God does not need our money, so what are they asking us for? When I am having a particularly lucky day I get one of those members of the clergy who can’t seem to see what is written in the Bible he is holding and blunders five times throughout the reading, speaking thing-things that are not in the particular verse, in broken English, and saying ‘sorry, sorry, sorry’. It’s so bloody hilarious, I laugh my head off every time that happens, that guy is just sooo entertaining. Too bad he doesn’t seem know it.

Let us freeze that story right there for a moment: Clearly, so far you have taken a look into the mind of a really disturbed human being. Yet there are many of us that go to church and find ourselves doing one of the things explained above, one at a time and other times a couple of things simultaneously. Some of us do not even know why we go to church at all, others do but choose to ignore it.

The Spirit of the Lord says unto you:” You have your fun, I will have mine. How dare you enter the house of God without even having the decency to behave or even treat the house of God with the respect it deserves? If you want fun go somewhere else for it. If you want pretty chicks go somewhere else for them. If you are bored and have nothing to do DO NOT come to church to pass the time!”

If you only knew how much the Lord God sees you. Yes he sees you poking fun at his messengers, he sees you laughing and talking through the service instead of being mortified in your sins. His heart weeps for you, wretched sons of men. For it written “according to your works shall I repay you”. You will pay for your insolence, you will weep for your disrespect, you will gnash your teeth for your lack of reverence for the things of God.

If you do not understand God or how he works be careful to not take your folly to his church. It is written “thou shall not put the Lord your God to the test” and “you shall treat my sanctuary as holy”. Be careful when you enter the presence of God in his sanctuary, several men have lost their lives because of acting stupid or disrespectful towards God. Fear the God whose house you enter, and honour him, and it will go well with you and your children across the ages.

It’s far much better to go to church to worship, to repent, to seek forgiveness, to acknowledge God or to

learn of His ways than it is to go there to hang out or fool around. You do not know what you play with, you will be judged for your stupidity. And in His court ignorance will not be a defence sufficient to save you when He shall say “ take him away and throw him out there in the Lake of Fire where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, for he disrespected me so I also will not respect him!”