Overwhelmed: Birthday Thoughts

I turn 27 today. What a life I have been given, My God I’m blessed!

My father died when I was about 3 or 4, not sure, the people who tell me about him seem to have a hard time talking about it. I have seen pictures of him, and him and my mom getting married, that’s all I have seen of him. I have heard a couple of unflattering things about him, and if he was around I’m sure we would probably fight, bump heads, and argue. But he is my dad, long gone, dead and buried, I love him anyway.

My mother died when I was 2 years old. I have seen pictures of her, I resemble her to a degree. I look deep within myself and see her within me too, a lot. She would have turned fifty this year. Would have told me things I didn’t want to hear, would have sent me on errands I did not want to go to. Would have hated some of my girlfriends for stealing away her son. I would have broken her heart a million times, we would have laughed, I would have cheered her in her sorrow.  I would have worked myself sore to provide for her and share her my wealth. I wish she would have held my baby in her arms, her grandchild. She is my mom, long gone, dead and buried, I love her a lot.

My sister died before I was born, a baby. Would have been a woman now, would have been Big Sis now. I hate to think of the guys who would have broken her heart, of the pains she would have gone through. I like to think of her working and happily married to some idiot. I like to think of the fun we would have had growing up together, of the love we would have shared. Of the lessons she would have taught me. She is the only person am sure would have had my back, in heaven or hell. She is my sister, long gone, dead and buried, and I love her the most.

I sit and ask myself why they are all dead. I know the answer to that question, or at least I think I know. Wont share it with you, it’s between me and my God, our own little secret. Did they deserve to die, maybe yes maybe not. Are they in heaven or hell, will find out someday. Does it help thinking about them? Probably not.

Then I sit and ask myself: “Why am I the only one left?” The only one left in a family of four. Not sure, its not like I deserve to be here.

I do believe though that I am still here because while God was reaping away the members of my family He looked down at a baby boy and felt sorrow in his heart. No he could not bring himself to wipe out the entire family. He had the power, but chose not to wipe everyone away. And so here I am.

And some of you say there is no God, that he would not have let you have all that pain if he really cared. You say your life is broken beyond repair, that you wish you could die, that a better day doesn’t come. And you forget the greatest mercy the Lord has shown you that outpasses any monetary or material gift you could ever crave. Life.

And am still here, very messed up but still here. I have several mental disorders, I am emotionally unstable, I have attitude problems, I am psychologically unbalanced. I have lots of problems, I have haters within my relations (Haha hi hater), I have loads of baggage and my health ain’t what it used to be no more. But I have a loving God, and he gives strength to my bones everyday. Soon I will be long gone, dead and buried, dust to dust, deuces. But am still here, for now still here.

It is written “I will leave a remnant” (Romans 11:1-36). This is my testimony, I am a remnant.

As for me, well, being the last existing member of your family has its responsibilities. And being a remnant son adds to the pressure. There was something my parents, or at least one of them, did that pleased God enough to spare me. It would be a shame to let all their good work go to waste. And the bloodline must continue, and not only continue but remain. A remnant must be found in my bloodline.

At this stage it is my responsibility and duty to make sure that remnant will be there. And so I must strive to reach a level where my life pleases God, I must not tire, I must pray, I must worship, I must love, I must forgive, I must show mercy, I must know kindness, I must share, I must repent. And not to be glorified by men, but that my God will find pleasure in this life he spared. For it is written: “I will leave within you the meek and humble. The remnant of Israel will trust in the name of the Lord” (Zephaniah 3:12). And if I do this I know my God is faithful, he will keep his promise, a remnant will be found. If not on earth then in heaven above, if not me then someone descending from me.

And where possible I must make sure I leave these lessons to those who follow after me, that they may love the Lord, honour Him and please Him. May the Lord show his servant mercy, may he preserve a weak bloodline. He who has an ear, let him hear.

The future looks quite interesting I should say. In the words of Phyzix “Life is goodube, moyo ukukomabe”. Happy Birthday Ko.

Christian Psychiatrix. Forever and Always